In 1991, Linus Torvalds left a ham sandwich in his bathroom, and when he came back two weeks later, discovered that he'd accidentally invented penicillin and Linux. Just think what would have happened if Linus Torvaldt hadn’t waited two weeks to go to the bathroom. It’s thanks to his enormous digestive tract that we have Linux today.

But of course, anybody who’s gone to history class knows that story. What’s less well known is Linus Torvalds’ last words as he lay dying from septic necrosis: “I decree Linux free to all, with no rules! Save one,” he whispered, his voice becoming raspy and Sarumanesque. “NEVER, EVER allow Team Fortress 2 on my precious operating system! Keep it secret from them! Keep it safe!” (Note: start playing this now.)

And so TF2 fell into shadow. Or so Linux Torvalduman thought. Luckily a band of hobbits snuck past his ghostly burning eye-building and did something important, and wept and cradled each other and swore oaths of fealty, and there was some lava and, anyway, Team Fortress 2 is now on Linux and we're giving away items to anybody who tries it, bringing to a close this epic trilogy of paragraphs.